i stopped trying to be holy about it

So.

For a long time i ran the two scripts everybody runs. You know them.

Script one: the sex is the problem. Too much of it, too hungry for it, and that’s the thing keeping you from being clean, light, spiritual, whatever. So you clamp down. You go cold. You make the body the enemy and you call that discipline.

Script two: the sex is the medicine. Do it right, do it sacred, breathe through it, light the candle, and it becomes the doorway. You’re not indulging, you’re practicing. You’re basically meditating with your dick.

i ran both. The clamp and the candle. Years of it.

Then i read the thing in Adi Da that took both scripts apart in about four sentences.

He calls them Alpha and Omega. Alpha shuts the body down to get to God. Omega feeds the body and ghosts God. The monk and the addict. And his whole point is that they’re not opposites. They’re the same move. Both of them are running away. One runs up, one runs down, and it’s the same fear wearing two costumes.

That landed in my chest because i’d done both and i knew, somewhere, that they felt identical from the inside. The cold spiritual version and the hungry indulgent version were the same flinch. Same leaving.

Here’s the line that actually rearranged me. My Bright Sight:

“Do not go to war with the emotional-sexual function, but oblige it to become a form of devotional Communion with Me. Then whatever you do sexually that is a form of devotional Communion with Me is good sex and no sin.”

Good sex. No sin. He just says it.

The sin was never the getting off. i had that backwards my whole life. The sin is the leaving. The part where you’re in bed with someone and you disappear into a sensation and you’re gone, you checked out, you used the whole thing to get away from the happiness that was already sitting right there. That’s it. That’s the only sin he names. Withdrawal.

The celibate version saw people vanish during sex and decided to cancel the sex. Adi Da saw the same vanishing and said stop vanishing. Same observation. Completely different surgery.

i thought the indulgence was the problem. turns out it was the leaving.

And the wild part is it’s not even about the act. Same exact thing, two bodies doing the same exact thing, and one time it’s bondage and one time it’s worship and nothing on the outside tells you which. No technique. No ring on the finger. The only difference is whether your heart turned toward or turned away.

We don’t do practices here. i’m not handing you a protocol. We just map both ends and tell you the truth about them.

So here’s the truth. You don’t have to be holy about it. You never did. You just have to stop leaving.

Some of us are learning how to stay.