it was never you doing the wanting

So.

That person you can’t stop wanting. The pull that feels like it’s coming from the center of you, aimed straight at them.

It isn’t yours. And it was never really about them.

Almaas calls it divine eros. The first thing he does is take the word back. Eros isn’t the animal thing you’re supposed to grow out of. It’s not the low rung. “Eros is the energy of the divine. As such, it is always divine and pure.” The wanting and the loving, the part of you that wants a body and the part that wants to give everything away, same current. We just got taught they were enemies.

Here’s the part that rearranged me.

The pull you feel is not you wanting. It’s the absolute wanting, through you. Pulling toward its own unity, and you happen to be where it’s happening. And it’s not even aimed at the other person. “The desire is not for the other; it is for unity with the other.” They’re just where the pull shows up. The thing underneath it is older than both of you and it’s trying to get home.

And the want and the love are the same thing. Not two things you balance. The same thing. In the real moments you can’t tell giving from getting, can’t tell do i love you from do i want you. That’s not you being confused. That’s the two of them remembering they were one.

The difference between this and the usual hunger is simple. Usual hunger comes from a hole. I’m empty, you’ve got the thing, let me get it off you. Divine eros doesn’t come from a hole. It wants from full. And when there’s no hole, there’s no real gap between you and the other person either. Just the same one reality, wanting itself across a distance that was never actually there.

One thing, because we’ll all try to use this as an excuse.

This is not a pass to chase everything that sparks. The exact same charge slams shut into pure ego in a second, all performance, all getting, all sensation, and we call that closing satisfaction. The aliveness is real. The clamp around it is the problem. Nothing about the act tells you which one you did. Only which way your heart was pointed.

So stop pretending it’s about them.

It was never you doing the wanting. It was the whole thing, homesick, pulling itself back together through your chest.